Out of work? Need a job? Apply to be Liberal leader

Out of work? Need a job? Apply for the Liberal leadership. New talent desperately needed. All applicants will be welcomed with open arms.

With all the front-ranked candidates now having declared that they will not run for the Liberal leadership, the federal Liberal party is in a bit of a pickle. This is illustrated by the fact that two of the names now being tossed about are Belinda Stronach or Scott Brison, two defections during the last Parliament from the Conservatives to the Liberals. Or they might take a chance on an ex-goalie not noted for his oratorical skills or a Harvard Professor who has spent most of the past 30 years outside Canada but dropped by to run in the January election.

Better still , as the Toronto Star put it today, if you own a car you could be leadership material.

LIBERAL LEADERSHIP APPLICATION FORM Thank you for your interest in becoming the leader of the Liberal Party of Canada.

At least, we hope, that by picking up this form, you truly are interested in becoming the leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, and aren't just messing with us to raise false hopes.

Please take a few moments, or longer, whatever you need, take this home and bring it back tomorrow if that would be more convenient, to answer the following questions:

1. Are you currently a member of the Liberal Party of Canada?

2. If you are not currently a member of the Liberal Party of Canada, how long do you think it would take for you to become one?

3. Why do you want to become the leader of the Liberal Party?

a) I want to rebuild this party into the great party it once was

b) I just got out of prison and am looking for work

c) sitting around the house starts to get boring after awhile, my mom says I should get a job, and this looks kind of cool

d) I tried the Green Party, but they got all touchy about my habit of using blue boxes for target practice

4. What are your feelings on the same-sex issue?

a) the issue is over, a free vote is not necessary

b) it kind of creeps me out

c) as long as you're getting some, who cares if it's the same everyday?

5. How would you restore the party's integrity?

a) weed out those tainted by the sponsorship scandal

b) draft a code of conduct for everyone in the party

c) give Liberals envelopes stuffed with cash so they won't be tempted to take kickbacks from strangers

6. How would you describe your feelings about taking this job, knowing that in the next election, you'd be a total novice, you'd be pitted against a pretty experienced Stephen Harper, that you could be relegated to the Opposition benches for years, and that you might never actually become Prime Minister?

a) no one mentioned anything about THAT

b) who's this Harper guy again?

c) I'm in for the long haul, prepared to do whatever it takes, to work night and day, seven days a week, just so long as I don't have to meet lots of people and shake hands and make small talk. Hate that

7. Which of the following phrases are you most comfortable using at the beginning of every sentence?

a) The fact is

b) I want to make it clear that

c) I'd love to answer that question but the real issue is

d) My opponent sleeps with a yak

8. Which, if any, of the following do you have in your background?

a) a few criminal convictions, nothing major, except maybe for that thing in Saskatoon

b) suspicious real-estate transactions

c) once blurted out military secrets in my sleep to a Soviet spy

d) all of the above

9. Being a leader is about more than politics. Canadians want to know what you're like as a person, what your interests are. Check as many of the following that apply:

a) hockey

b) stamp collecting

c) hiking

d) surfing for porn

e) trainspotting

f) saving bits of wood in case you need them for something later

10. How would you describe your feelings for Canada?

a) I love Canada

b) I have made out with Canada

c) We have an understanding.

11. Do you own your own car?

Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to fill out the Liberal Leadership Application Form.

You will be hearing from us shortly. Count on it.

Go ahead. Be bold. Take a chance. The Liberal Party needs you. You are definitely as well qualified as the 12 or so names currently being mentioned as contenders.